National Trust - an institution, a charity, a sense of smug bastardness

Well, here I am in middle age with a dusty guitar, a family, and a bunny. What to do, what to do?

I know, I'll join the national trust. Yea, good idea, look at all these places I can see for free with my yearly subscription. Check out all the beautiful places with their wildlife, country scenes, castles, gardens, places to relax, and free parking.

Look at all the gifts I get when I join, a complete catalogue of all the places I can go to, a poster, a car sticker that means I can park for free, an umbrella, a sense of belonging, and, wait, yes, a huge sense of smug.

Check out the losers that have to pay to park, pay to get in, pay to get out, pay to enter the on-site shop, cough up cash for talking to an attendant.

Look how they are sneered at for not taking advantage of a years subscription for only £36.38, see the sights of the tour guides taking them into the toilet and flushing their pauper heads down the 18th century teak toilet (as used by King Henry VIII'th during his 'we've discovered curry' years).

Be amazed at how interactive the torture chamber really can be if they say no to giftaid.

Be in awe of the accuracy in the recreation of the witch-hunt years for people presenting expired cards.

Get educated in the history of some of Britain's finest houses built by the fine upstanding slave owners of old, and the extended use of the National Trust brolly that comes with the introduction pack. Immerse yourself in the flup flup flup sound made by rapidly opening and closing the umbrella in the face of an oik in the cafe queue who's tried to buy a scone and a coffee:

"Scone and a coffee please"

"£18.36 please"

"What?"

"pfffff, scone and a coffee, that will be £18.36. Now"

"Is there something special about it, does the scone have cocaine in it or something?"

"No, raisins"

"Jesus, well, I have had a nice day, and it is for charity, £18.36 it is then."

"Sorry, price is now £20"

"What!!!! why?"

"You've been speaking to me for 20 seconds."

"Taking the piss lady!!! Oi mate have you heard what she just said?"

FLUP FLUP FLUP "ARGHwhatthefuck?"


I was trained well.