It isn't the converting of the music room that used to heavily reverberate with the sounds of electric guitars, sax, and drums wielded by way too caned way too drunk way too in the middle of a mid life crises chaps into a bedroom for a little girl.
It isn't the giving up of a private comfortable quiet office where thought was easily made available to process vast amounts of technical information into stunningly delivered training courses for bored engineers so that a new baby boy has a bedroom.
It isn't the clearing out of a fridge stocked with a ledgendary array of beers from around the world to make way for milk, smoothies, frubes, cheese strings, kinder bars, more frubes, babyBel cheeses, ambrosia ready made glow-sinisterly-in-the-dark custard pots, and a few frubes.
It isn't the removal of a vast selection of hugely entertaining war films and science fiction epics and collections of colourful hardcore horror stories to make way for Lego, an EU mountain of play doh, 40 different dolls that piss their pants when you squeeze their hands, and Fluffy goes bloody nowhere toys.
It isn't trying to fit every single bloke thing listed above into a single corner of a single room in the house.
No, it's none of that, none of it is a problem, what IS a problem is some bastard looking at it and telling me that it's false advertising calling it a corner because according to the laws of geometry the most I've achieved is a small smudge.
Oh and while I'm here, cheese strings, seriously, piss off.
Monday, 23 August 2010
Monday, 2 August 2010
1000 people, two loaves, two fishes, 20 minutes – cooking doesn’t get tougher than this
Welcome a new round of celebrity masterchef where YOU the viewer get to watch THEM the celebrities that haven’t quite made it to the “Lifestyles of the rich and famous” show and haven’t fallen far enough to get on to “I’m a celebrity, shove poisonous wiggling things up my nose and get me out of here because I’ve had a teenage hissy fit, and an odd attack of hay fever.”
Hosted by John Torode (the one that can cook) and Greg Wallace (the one that is probably easily amused by rude shaped vegetables in the Sun) we find our current spate of borderline ‘Who?’ list engaged in another round of “I made you a risotto with the consistency of roughly mating algae.”
This series offers us even tougher challenges than just a sorbet served to the king of Siam on the stomach of a freshly nude virgin. This series the challengers will face the greatest tests a chef would never face, Greg explains:
“Laaaaaaverly, this year we are going all out to test our contestants in ways they wouldn’t think possible. Innit? Today’s show promises to be a real corker, we are giving the contestants two chicken wings, a lettuce, and pak choi to feed 14 hungry soldiers. As if that wasn’t hard enough, the soldiers don’t know they are coming, and they are currently entrenched somewhere in Afghanistan. Can our chefs get it right that is the question, will their presentation match the flavour expectations with so few ingredients and so little ground cover from enemy fire, will they get the seasoning right, the danger is that they could over cook the chicken if they can’t get over the barbed wire fast enough. Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this!!”
John elaborates:
“Have you seen this wanker? Look what they paired me with, a vaguely London barrow boy who used to sell fruit and fucking veg. Jesus. I mean seriously, did you see him with Michel Roux Jnr? Did you know that they used the nodding dog from the Churchill advert for one of the shows? No, nobody noticed. Still, yes this show should be an absolute winner, there you see the terrified celebrities being ushered into the Chinook helicopter that will take them deep into the war zone to find 14 very hungry members of the SAS. Remember that those guys have a highly educated palette derived from eating bugs as they crawl past their hiding place so it’s going to be a tough audience.”
“Yea, err, innit”
“fucksake Greg. They will have to be johnny on the ball here to get the food out on time without compromising the SAS position and deliver food fit for a surprised apoplectic killer who’s month of lying still has been interrupted by hopefully a tasty well presented dish.”
“Yea, umm, yea, umm, can they pull this off, umm tougher umm, innit, cooking, innit”
“Do we PAY this idiot? Greg fuck off over there and play with your potatoes, ooh wait, the Chinook has arrived at the forward combat zone and the celebs are currently running to their preparation positions.”
“Corks lummie guvna Jordans copped it,
Dunt get tuffer than this”
Hosted by John Torode (the one that can cook) and Greg Wallace (the one that is probably easily amused by rude shaped vegetables in the Sun) we find our current spate of borderline ‘Who?’ list engaged in another round of “I made you a risotto with the consistency of roughly mating algae.”
This series offers us even tougher challenges than just a sorbet served to the king of Siam on the stomach of a freshly nude virgin. This series the challengers will face the greatest tests a chef would never face, Greg explains:
“Laaaaaaverly, this year we are going all out to test our contestants in ways they wouldn’t think possible. Innit? Today’s show promises to be a real corker, we are giving the contestants two chicken wings, a lettuce, and pak choi to feed 14 hungry soldiers. As if that wasn’t hard enough, the soldiers don’t know they are coming, and they are currently entrenched somewhere in Afghanistan. Can our chefs get it right that is the question, will their presentation match the flavour expectations with so few ingredients and so little ground cover from enemy fire, will they get the seasoning right, the danger is that they could over cook the chicken if they can’t get over the barbed wire fast enough. Cooking doesn’t get tougher than this!!”
John elaborates:
“Have you seen this wanker? Look what they paired me with, a vaguely London barrow boy who used to sell fruit and fucking veg. Jesus. I mean seriously, did you see him with Michel Roux Jnr? Did you know that they used the nodding dog from the Churchill advert for one of the shows? No, nobody noticed. Still, yes this show should be an absolute winner, there you see the terrified celebrities being ushered into the Chinook helicopter that will take them deep into the war zone to find 14 very hungry members of the SAS. Remember that those guys have a highly educated palette derived from eating bugs as they crawl past their hiding place so it’s going to be a tough audience.”
“Yea, err, innit”
“fucksake Greg. They will have to be johnny on the ball here to get the food out on time without compromising the SAS position and deliver food fit for a surprised apoplectic killer who’s month of lying still has been interrupted by hopefully a tasty well presented dish.”
“Yea, umm, yea, umm, can they pull this off, umm tougher umm, innit, cooking, innit”
“Do we PAY this idiot? Greg fuck off over there and play with your potatoes, ooh wait, the Chinook has arrived at the forward combat zone and the celebs are currently running to their preparation positions.”
“Corks lummie guvna Jordans copped it,
Dunt get tuffer than this”
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